Today, I lost someone. She was not my wife, not my kid, not my mother and not my sister. She was not a family in the sense that we share bloodlines. She was not even someone I had shared a relationship with in the past, as in an old flame. I lost a dear sister in our church. The interesting thing is that in the past 14 years since the branch of our church started, this is the first we will lose someone. So we didn't understand how to react to this, we didn't know how to handle it.
In my life I had lost people, but even though I considered quite a number of them close to me, I realized today that I didn't quite feel the import of their death, or I didn't quite feel that big impact on my life. Today's own stomped me. Stopped me dead in my tracks, made me a bit disoriented for a while.
I would sleep and wake up and it would feel as if nothing has happened, and then my brain will kick into action, and I will remember. It felt surreal. What does death mean now? she will no longer be seen, touched, spoken with, smiled at, laughed with. We will no longer be able to chat on BB and wish for a world where everyone loved Jesus and served God. The husband will no longer be with her; her family will no longer see her; her friends will have to move on without her. Her business, oh her business. She dispenses recharge cards... and a few hours into her death, people were still paying money into her account and sending her text messages that they would like to by MTN airtime...
Death is funny. Its very cold, and informal. The rest of us will still be standing, but that person is gone. her email account may work for as long as it takes Yahoo or Gmail to make it inactive. In that time, people will send her emails. Her phone continued to ring while we were at her house commiserating with the husband. Her BB was still active, at least till the next billing cycle. Life continues, but without one actor!
Losing someone must be hard I realize. How can you fill up the space that the person occupied? How can you do the things you have always done together? If you were the spouse, how can you move from that life together to a new life alone. When will you begin to live again?
Its like playing hide and seek. The person just hides away. You look for him/her in places where you think they may be. You call their name, you search around. You give up and ask the person to come out and claim his/her victory. This time, all you hear is silence. A deathly, ghostly silence. Where is this person now? The clothes are still arranged in the closet, the shoes still lined up against the wall, the unfinished plate of food still on the table or in the fridge. Life stands still for that person who is no more.
Now I know why people who have lost someone close continues to hope the person will just walk in again. I am a practical man, but I wished this person will rise up and come home again. I wish it now, and even though I know it is quite unlikely that this will happen, I still wish it.
I am thinking what this means in the long term. I will go to church and I will not see her in her favourite seat. Neither will I see her as she climbs the altar to sing, or see her dancing around in the congregation when she is not ministering; or sitting in the meeting room when we have meetings. I will not be able to ask her to send me MTN airtime again. I will not see her BB chats again (I am even afraid to delete the last one as I want to keep something of her for sometime). I will not be able to encourage her again. I will not hear her voice, or see her laughter again, for ever!
I lost someone today, and now I know what it means to lose someone close!
Folarin, you are indeed a lucky man if this is the first time you have actually lost someone close. For some of us, we have not been that fortunate but that does not in any way make it any easier to handle the loss. The fact that I lost a very close friend even before turning 30 helped me to put things in perspective quite early in life because I remember vividly that back then, I and this dear friend of mine had a long “to do list” before we hit the magic age of 30 (don’t ask me how long ago this was I beg!). While grieving her early death, I did learn then not to take things for granted as tomorrow was no guaranteed for any of us.
ReplyDeleteHowever, losing two siblings within seven month of each other in 2009/10 was really, really difficult to deal with. As Christians we are taught to believe that all things work for good for them who put their trust in God , but believe me, even I had to query God as to what good could possibly come out of this particularly with respect to my brother who passed at just 36. It was really hard for me especially with all the praying and fasting for God to have mercy and inspite of all that, it came to nought.
I can only say that it ultimately, it takes the grace of God to overcome the loss of someone really close to you. It does also help when you have very fond memories to fall back on. At first of course, it is difficult to come to terms with the absence of that person ‘cos I can remember how many times I thought of putting a call across to my brother only to realize that he is not there anymore. Gradually, I got to remember him with a smile, thinking back to the awesome times we had together; it’s the same with my sister as I dwell more on the great times we had together. My Dad passed in 2005 and though it was really tough at first, I sense his presence and acknowledgement each time I make any advancement personally or professionally as he was ever so confident of what I could accomplish.
Yes, losing someone close is difficult to deal with, but if we spend fruitful time cultivating wholesome and great relationships with our families and friends, then even when they are gone, we will have a lot of positive memories to cling to….that way, they will live forever in our hearts.
Ifey, thanks for your comments, and even though its long ago, I am sorry for your loss. Pain helps us to develop strength we don't have. I guess you can say I am lucky, but some of these things are inevitable, although the farther away they are the happier we all are.
ReplyDeleteIts a very surreal feeling when you think of calling the person, and you then have to remind yourself that he/she is no longer there.